I want to die.
I have thought about it.
I want to get hit by a car. I want to feel my bones break and my warm blood spill out of my body. I want to suffer as much as I physically can before my consciousness disappear from the plane of this realm.
Why did this happen?
It all started when I started talking to K one faithful night. We soon found out that we both knew YH and we started talking and joking about him.
I accidentally said too much. I spilled a secret detail about him, which in turn exposed a lie he had told her.
She took it badly. Turns out he told her that he was virgin, and she trusted him. They had sex and she believed that she could date him after getting heartbroken many times. When she found out that he had lied, she confronted him about it.
YH is a smart guy. Too smart. He immediately figured that I had told her about it. Instead of apologising, he said to her:
"Bye"
"Have fun with Max"
I was shocked. How could this guy, someone I knew for 14 years, been great friends with, have this kind of response?
It was cold. Angry. Vengeful.
I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't believe that my friend had lied to a girl just so that he can have sex with her. I was disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. Confused. Shocked. K said she wants to move on so she's not gonna call him out, but she warns some other girls about him.
I didn't bring it up to our team because I didn't want to cause any disorder within the team. A major tournament is coming, and I needed to recover my injuries. I kept quiet about it. But the longer I stayed silent, the more my frustrations grew.
Why didn't he apologise? Why did he lie? Was he that desperate? Why didn't he talk to us?
Knowing YH, he's the type to rarely admit fault. He hates to be in the wrong. I know that he thinks that what he did was justified, or right. He puts all the blame on me for exposing his lies. He hurt K, but he stands by his decisions. His moral compass is damaged, that's what I think.
Days turn to months. I was driven insane by the thoughts that ran through my head. K keeps telling me about how YH is not a good friend. She moulded my thoughts to create disgust, hatred. I couldn't take it anymore and I called him out on social media. I thought I did the right thing.
It was a bad idea. I didn't tell K's full story. It lacked backstory.
My teammates saw what I did. They stood by his side. My nightmare happened when I tried to avoid it. There they stand, with the guy with the broken moral compass.
I don't know his side of the story. I wondered if K made the whole thing much more than it was. I came to know that she's dramatic and makes small issues big. YH wouldn't talk to me, so I couldn't ask what his side of the story was. It was my mistake of doing that without checking first. I was so foolish.
I beat myself up repeatedly.
He's very smart. Too smart. I know he's playing victim. I know he's saying things about me. I know he told them what happened. I know he didn't tell the whole truth. I know they won't listen to what I have to say.
It's the pygmalion effect. I am now the bad guy.
My teammates hate me. The people I respect, the people I called family. They hate me.
It's unfair. He committed sin. He committed wrongdoings. Why do I have to suffer for calling him out?
Depression and despair is swallowing me whole.
I was crossing the road today when the thought of throwing myself in front of a car crawled across my mind. When I drove home, I thought about crashing the car. The thoughts scare me, but they felt like what I want to do.
I need help. I don't want to die.
