Undefined

While I'm in the middle of another period of self loathing and acute depression. I learned yet another thing, I most likely don't know myself that well yet.

You learn about other people, what their habits are, their likes and dislikes, their personalities and attitudes but do you really know yourself? I figured out today that I probably don't know myself yet.

Sometimes I get irrationally upset over some things or situations and in that moment I just get frustrated because of that issue and it never occurred to me that it was because I didn't understand why I felt that way about said issue that made me upset. Looking back at numerous moments in my life where I behaved out of character made me realise that I simply didn't understand where my emotions were coming from and I just snap at that unnoticed uncertainty.

Mostly this kind of situations happen when I experience new or unfamiliar experiences, emotions or feelings. I admit had been quite a sheltered kid, I didn't have a lot of behavior problems and I often had rules and principles that restricted me from experiencing new things that are deemed 'bad'. So when I start to explore these experiences, emotions and feelings and I don't understand it like a wild animal seeing it's reflection for the first time and I get terribly upset, all without knowing why I was upset.

Another main reason that supports my irrational sourness is how I am such a coward. I know for a fact that I'm cowardly, I'm always afraid of changes, big changes especially. When my surroundings take a turn for a change I get jumpy and upset because suddenly there are things that are not going how it should be or how it used to be. Hand in hand with my fears is envy and jealousy. While I may not be that much of a jealous person, I'm often green with envy, afraid of losing what I want to someone else, and the result is getting gloomy over the fear of losing what I need to someone else. So with me, fear and envy come hand in hand to produce my reasons for sorrow, which builds up to despair or depression.

I think of depression as a ball with inconsistent density that sinks and floats in a pool of water. It comes and goes like the wind, one day you're jolly and the next day you're not. Whenever my depression coils around me I get feverish and sickly, I feel tired and dejected, I get hungry easily and I will want to wallow in all the negativity that builds around me. While I can momentarily distract myself from it with hobbies, work and music, it always comes around like a shadow, impossible to escape from. Without a doubt, depression isn't good, but I find that every time I feel depressed, I will unearth small bits of information as to why I feel so down and dishearten by everything around me and I learn and understand myself a bit better by putting them all together. Be the result right or wrong, learning about oneself is a discovery for a lifetime, hence the fact that people always change. The you today is not the same as the you tomorrow.

With all that said, I'm glad I have friends who treasure me for who I am. The me who never fails to disappoint people, the me who is always awkward, the me who is always a nervous wreck. It's thanks to my friends who tell me about my personality, attitudes and behaviors, that I get to know myself better. Cheerio.

Vivid in Static and Grain

The other day, my manager, Steven walked me through some assignments to work on based on the London management representative, Stuart's comments on the store in 1Utama. He was telling me about rearranging some of the displays and the categories when I felt a familiar feeling. Steven was passionately telling me about what to do with the merchandising issue we were having, just like how he used to do it when I was working as a floor staff last year. That feeling in turn sparked a vivid image of Lydia in my mind. Over time of not seeing someone, my memory of people always fades out or blurs, I still remember people, just not as clear as when I see them everyday. Steven's behavior made me remember Lydia so clearly I could almost smell the scent of the shampoo she uses (I'm not a creep, she said so herself that the shampoo she uses gives off a strong scent). I also recounted the days when Steven would behave so when telling specifically Lydia and I what to do at work, be it merchandising or setting up stores. I haven't seen or talked to Lydia and I wonder how she's doing. I sure do miss her a lot. I've been thinking of calling her to meet up but I have so many doubts and worries, I'm just waving it off by focusing on work and other things. When my job starts to settle down I'll do that.

Banana Split

On the 9th of September, a Wednesday, Wilson, KW and I met up to go to the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC) to support Kai's first ever stand-up act. Kai had told us about him going to try stand-up before and the curtains are finally drawing.

In the afternoon, my dad dropped me at Wilson's house where I chilled and read his Spider-Man comic books while he worked on his assignment and played some games. When it was 5pm, we headed over to KW's house where we chilled again and played with KW's hamsters while KW did his work. After that we headed out to the Malay night market and bought dinner. After dinner we headed out in KW's car to KLPAC.

There was a traffic jam on the way so Wilson and KW wondered if we should call Kai to buy us the entry tickets first but then decided not to, but as they already have made their decision, I pranked them for a while two minutes plus by pretending to call Kai and asking him to buy the tickets.

When we got there, I quickly made my way to the piano in the lobby because Kai hid the free ticket there. There was a lady already there and a ticket was on the cover of the piano. I wasn't sure if that was it because Kai said it was inside on the keys. I asked the lady if it was her's and she said 'no', I still wasn't sure so I lifted the cover up and checked the keys to which, I confirmed that the ticket on top is for me. When I put the cover back down, I caught a glimpse of my ticket sliding into the piano behind the keys. Genius, I didn't hold the ticket when I lifted the cover. My large fingers couldn't fit into the gap so I went to the information counter to ask for help. Luckily this skinny guy could fit his fingers in and helped me get my ticket. What a save.

The show Kai was participating in was called Short and Sweet Malaysia. They have many categories and for this particular night, it was Stand-up comedy and Song. So it was a two hour show of song and stand-up comedy by local newcomers and veterans. While it was a show for budding artists, it was also a small competition at the same time.

The three of us got a show schedule that doubled as a feedback and voting form before we entered the hall. It was small hall just nice to fit everyone and still have space. The shows that night was entertaining. There were good performances by the comedians and the musicians as well as some bad and unentertaining ones. We've heard Kai's rehearsal before but it wasn't that impressive while it was a rehearsal. On his actual performance though, it was pretty good. However, we saw how uncomfortable Kai was while he was performing and after the show we went to a mamak and we gave him feedback and suggestions on how to improve his act over supper.

The show was for four nights long and the award ceremony was on Saturday, unfortunately we couldn't make it to see if Kai won anything. Kai didn't, but it was a good first experience for him. Kai made new friends too in this field and he got a lot of tips and advice from a seasoned performer and scriptwriter. Kai now has a dream to do another stand-up, the next time with me. But I don't know, I'm not very outspoken and I don't know what kind of stand-up I can do that other people can relate. Well when it happens, it's worth to try.

New Job, Same Place

After a stressful month of finding a job, I finally got one. I went to GRV and asked if they needed a visual merchandiser and after a week, I was informed to report to work at my station, which is in Hamleys 1Utama. Yes, I didn't want to go back to work at the toy shop, I had no choice, this was my last resort if I were to not get hired by the end of August.

I was actually gonna get a different job. I got a call from this preschool called The Odyssey as an art teacher, which they call an "Art Specialist". They saw my application on JobStreet and called me in for an interview with the director, Petunia and then I was showed around the building. It looked really nice, I had never seen a preschool so well equipped with all the facilities a child needs. From low wash basins to tiny toilets and safety precautions along the staircases, I could hardly imagine a kid getting injured here, besides a fist fight between kids. They had a whole area for arts and music and it was so awe inspiring. It was just before the holidays when I went for the interview so there were only two kids in the building. Petunia scheduled me for another visit to see what it's like in a day at The Odyssey. As I've learned on that day, The Odyssey is a Singapore based preschool that focuses on child personal development and it's heavily art based. They have a lot of artistic programmes.

On my second visit, I was introduced to the whole work force at the preschool in groups. First I was directed to the toddlers room where I watched  the teachers started the day for these kids with songs and then cooking class. The way all the teachers teach in class is that there is a teacher who speaks English the whole time and another who speaks Mandarin the whole time so the kids will learn both languages at the same time. After that I joined the class for a class with older kids where they sang some songs to remember the alphabet and did some art work. Then I went to the art room to watch how the present Art Specialist deals with the kids, after that it was lunch time. The class teachers helped serve the lunch made by the preschool chef and then they went for nap time. During this time all the teachers sit together and eat lunch provided by the chef as well. After lunch, Petunia called me and we talked a little. Apparently I was shortlisted into a group of three people and they were gonna make their final decision from the three of us. Petunia said that she'll inform me if I'll get the job or not in a few days time. It appeared to me that I was going to get the job despite the fact that I don't have a lot of experience with preschool kids so I had really high hopes.

Exactly the night after, I was informed that I didn't get the job because they really wanted someone who more experience with kids. That really let me down but I decided to get a job by the end of August because I don't want to sit around at home as I was running out of money.

The whole of August, I spent my time on JobStreet looking for a job and sent applications to ideal locations based on either location and position. I even started to look for jobs that required writing like copywriting and content writing, but no one, not a single one called me back.

After that one month, I went back to my manager at Hamleys and he was more than delighted to hear that I wanted to work with them again because he had been asking me to go back to work with them a couple of times. He wasn't as happy after hearing that I didn't want to work as a floor staff but he was excited when I asked for a position as visual merchandiser because they didn't have one and the marketing executive who was going to resign soon that filling in for the position wasn't doing much progress with the artworks they need.

So I this was my first week and the number one problem I face is how poor the computers are. It's so damn slow and it crashes a lot of times. I've never had that problem since 2011. Working withe Adobe CS3 is okay, not so bad, it's just the computer. I've never felt so frustrated sitting in front Adobe Photoshop in a long time. Also, most of the files are Illustrator files and I hate Adobe Illustrator because I didn't learn how to use it and it's so different from Photoshop. Also, the people who did the official artwork for the company are very messy. They don't group, layer and name their artworks properly, just finding a single stroke in an artwork is like finding a needle in a haystack.

But I won't lose hope. I'm sure adapt to this job, as long as I can get around the software problems. I'm also sure I'll get used to sitting in the office. I can't sit still in the same place where I used to walk around continuously. I have to make frequent visits to the selling floor to get a breather. Just seeing the people I used to work with go in and out of the office makes me wanna do it too, only I don't wanna work on the selling floor, the store room is great.

One thing I noticed getting the office job in the store is that there is a clear boundary between the office staff and the store staff. Which makes a lot of sense because I never dared to communicate with the office staff when I was working as a floor staff before, not until I became a senior staff back then but still, there was formality in the air.

Well, here's to another year at Hamleys Malaysia and GRV.

Burnt

I tried to make grilled bread, I got cancer on a plate instead.
The black was not charcoal bread, it's the equivalent of eating lead.