Undefined

While I'm in the middle of another period of self loathing and acute depression. I learned yet another thing, I most likely don't know myself that well yet.

You learn about other people, what their habits are, their likes and dislikes, their personalities and attitudes but do you really know yourself? I figured out today that I probably don't know myself yet.

Sometimes I get irrationally upset over some things or situations and in that moment I just get frustrated because of that issue and it never occurred to me that it was because I didn't understand why I felt that way about said issue that made me upset. Looking back at numerous moments in my life where I behaved out of character made me realise that I simply didn't understand where my emotions were coming from and I just snap at that unnoticed uncertainty.

Mostly this kind of situations happen when I experience new or unfamiliar experiences, emotions or feelings. I admit had been quite a sheltered kid, I didn't have a lot of behavior problems and I often had rules and principles that restricted me from experiencing new things that are deemed 'bad'. So when I start to explore these experiences, emotions and feelings and I don't understand it like a wild animal seeing it's reflection for the first time and I get terribly upset, all without knowing why I was upset.

Another main reason that supports my irrational sourness is how I am such a coward. I know for a fact that I'm cowardly, I'm always afraid of changes, big changes especially. When my surroundings take a turn for a change I get jumpy and upset because suddenly there are things that are not going how it should be or how it used to be. Hand in hand with my fears is envy and jealousy. While I may not be that much of a jealous person, I'm often green with envy, afraid of losing what I want to someone else, and the result is getting gloomy over the fear of losing what I need to someone else. So with me, fear and envy come hand in hand to produce my reasons for sorrow, which builds up to despair or depression.

I think of depression as a ball with inconsistent density that sinks and floats in a pool of water. It comes and goes like the wind, one day you're jolly and the next day you're not. Whenever my depression coils around me I get feverish and sickly, I feel tired and dejected, I get hungry easily and I will want to wallow in all the negativity that builds around me. While I can momentarily distract myself from it with hobbies, work and music, it always comes around like a shadow, impossible to escape from. Without a doubt, depression isn't good, but I find that every time I feel depressed, I will unearth small bits of information as to why I feel so down and dishearten by everything around me and I learn and understand myself a bit better by putting them all together. Be the result right or wrong, learning about oneself is a discovery for a lifetime, hence the fact that people always change. The you today is not the same as the you tomorrow.

With all that said, I'm glad I have friends who treasure me for who I am. The me who never fails to disappoint people, the me who is always awkward, the me who is always a nervous wreck. It's thanks to my friends who tell me about my personality, attitudes and behaviors, that I get to know myself better. Cheerio.